I was off to a rough start, knee-deep in what author Martha Beck calls “the space between stories.” That weird purgatorial place where a chapter in the book of your life has run out of words and the next chapter has yet to be written.
The blank page. It can be a waste of a tree, or the dawn of possibility. A moment to reflect and be grateful for what was, or a terrifying reminder of the uncertainty of what’s to come.
It is in this space that the fear of the unknown resides, prodding us to mindlessly scribble where the last chapter left off.
The postscript returns us to safety and familiarity. We can remain there in perpetuity, avoiding the blankness of the space between. Yet we will always be haunted by what awaits us on the other side.
Truth be told, I have no idea what I’m doing right now, other than being myself. Two months ago, I even found that (simply being me) difficult to do. I had uploaded the 348th and final episode of Underground Wellness Radio, written one last email to my subscribers, and was DONE. Seven years of my life, over.
In hindsight, I had been done for about a year or so. Mentally, at least. I was scribbling in the postscript, interviewing health experts because it was expected of me. Because I knew I was helping people get their health back. Because I knew I was good at it. And of course, because the money was good. Life-changing, in fact.
But I was depleted. The final paragraphs of my Underground Wellness chapter were lifeless chicken scratches. The once-enthusiastic tone had gone dark and borderline angry.
“If just … one … more … guest … adds … one … more … food to the seemingly ENDLESS list of foods we already shouldn’t eat, I’m gonna lose my sh*t!”
It should have never gotten that bad, but it did. And when it does, it’s a sure sign that your chapter is long overdue to be meet its fate with one final period.
With the end of UW Radio I had entered the space between. What I imagined would be freedom — time to do whatever the hell I wanted to do, without having to read yet another health book that contradicted the last — turned out to be the beginning of an existential identity crisis. Who was I?
Underground Wellness wasn’t just a brand, it was me. And by my own doing it was gone, forever. What do I do now?
At first, the time I had to do “whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted” quickly came to be time to think. Too much time to think. I was stuck in my head. Work can feel like play when you love what you do, but it can also be a distraction from real life matters that need attending to. Remove the distractions and you find yourself eye-to-eye with everything you’ve consciously or unconsciously ignored and brushed aside. But I’ll save that stuff for another post.
Not only did I wonder who I was, but what in the world had happened to me over those seven years? Where did that nice kid from Alameda go? Who the f*ck was this self-important guy who complained about the length of the emails from his loyal listeners?
“Oh geez. Another 10-paragraph email with multiple question marks from a long-time listener. FML! Don’t they know I have things to do? If I sat here and read fan mail all day, I wouldn’t get anything done.”
Yeah, that was me. Sorry.
Eventually I found myself in a familiar situation — plopped down on my back side getting swallowed up by my therapist’s couch. Yeah, the one that feels like it was intentionally designed to make me feel like a small child. Yet I was a full-grown adult living without a purpose for the first time in almost a decade. Deep in the throes of an identity crisis and an apparent addiction to novelty, as exemplified by my tendency to fill my free time with almost-daily trips to the mall. My nieces would probably say my closet is on fleek. (Look it up.) My therapist would probably say I was missing the endorphin rush of another “instant classic” podcast episode and substituting it with bubble jackets, skinny jeans, and Yeezies. Makes sense.
Ironically the cure for my crisis lay in a homeopathic principle I had learned on my previous path; that like cures like. That uncertainty cures uncertainty. There is no better place to learn this than in a country you’ve never been, with no one but yourself. When a bird drops you off in an unfamiliar land, a blank page is all there is. Go with the flow or go home.
Travel is something that I had been putting off for all kinds of silly reasons. I didn’t know anyone who would go with me. I would go when I got a girlfriend. Blah. Blah. Blah. And then there’s my well-chronicled phobia of turbulence and flying in general. But the call to adventure and all of its inherent uncertainties rang louder than ever. It was time to go, to get away, to jump in the deep end of the pool with no control or attachments to outcomes. To accept the uncertainty. To let go.
Splash.
It was a short swim — three days in London and three more in Rome. (You can see the pics here.) Yet it was all I needed to relax into my space between stories. To add a little color to that blank, off-white page. To turn off the endless chatter going on in my brain and create space for the sweet-sounding interlude playing between my heart’s songs.
It had been nearly a year since my heart had last sung. Since then, everything had been about control and outcomes. How much will it cost? How many people can we register? How much will it make?
I was caught up in what Dr. Lissa Rankin, author of The Anatomy of a Calling, calls Small Self service. Ego-driven service with no heart. Self-depleting service leading to anger, burnout, and identity crises. Ignore it and it will beat you down. Shift it and the possibilities become endless.
Like I said, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m exactly where I was when I started Underground Wellness, with a strong will to serve and a confidence that God, the Universe, the aliens (or whomever or whatever you believe in) will guide me along the road to where I’m going from here.
Don’t get me wrong, I have goals. Big, hairy, audacious goals, as author Jim Collins would say. The destination is clear. It’s the map that isn’t.
For now, I’m perfectly content to read books and interview the authors for the rest of the year. That’s the song I can play on repeat. The one I love.
Everything else, I’ll have to figure out along the way. I guess we’ll figure it out together.
What I know for sure is that if I want to free, I’ve got to be me. That everything will be okay.
Out of the blank space. Onward to a new chapter. A new story.
Page one.
SC
The only constant in life is Change – enjoy the ride 🙂
I’m right there with you my friend. A while back I took a year to do the same thing and travel the world alone. Best thing I ever did. I’m excited about whatever you decide to do, especially if it evolves beyond health. I can totally relate.
It only took 6 days in Europe to recharge? I’m happy for you- I’m afraid it would take more than that for me– or maybe that is wishful thinking- an excuse to visit longer ha ha
karen
Oh! I was off for a little over 2 months. Travel was a week of it. 🙂
Thanks, Karen!
Sean
apa yg perlu saya jawab? Apakah Anda sendiri sudah membaca secara lengkap isi tulisan blog ini sblm bekenmrotar? Apakah pernah ke cabangnya yg di Go Skate itu?
Your journey is aligned to mine right now. Seeing me in your post…I admire the honesty!
You’re a great writer, Sean. I’m glad you decided to follow your heart and start a new chapter in life. I once read that the degree to which you can tolerate with uncertainty will help determine the success in your life. There’s often a lot of uncertainty in following your dreams and making the big choices that will change you. Most people are too afraid of the uncertainty to take those steps. This is an exciting time for you. I can’t wait to see what happens.
I appreciate the honesty and telling it like it is to your listeners, followers, etc.
Good for you for making the change. Many people do not.
I look forward to seeing what the new chapter brings you, and us (your listeners).
Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best in the next leg of the journey! Thank you for your wonderful service over the last 7 years. If it wasn’t for you and the usual suspects on UW radio, I’d probably be dead today. So I blame you for life! 🙂 “If you want to see god laugh; tell him your plans!” Mike Scott
Hey, guy! Been wondering about you and your journey. Glad you’re back and still willing to share. You are, hands down, the best and most inciteful interviewer I listen to. You stay on point, you ask relevant questions, you actually listen to your guest and you don’t interrupt their splain. It’s a huge blessing! I seriously appreciate the transcripts so much as I am older and don’t hear as well as I’d like.
Godspeed your journey and our sidecar experience right along with you!
I’ve enjoyed following you over the years Sean, and although I did like much of the content of what you were presenting I only “tuned in” to what resonated with me. But what I liked, and still like the most about you is your honesty and your willingness to just be you, whatever or whomever the “you” is at any given time. You’ve shared the good, the bad and the “ugly”. Even when you may have felt like you were faking, or hating it or didn’t really know who the “you” was, in spite of yourself, you still shined through. Of course I can’t claim to really know you! That is just the feeling that came through whatever is was you were and are doing. I can also relate to the space between chapters you so accurately described in your post. I read a beautiful book recently (by Anita Moorjani), that helped facilitate a shift for me and the ultimate message was, that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be on our journey. That our only job on this life is to just truly be ourselves, who we are at the core of our “being” and to allow the path to unfold before us without having to know where it will lead. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your lessons along the way. Just keep being. 🙂
Sounds like classic burnout (as a teacher, I would know). Continuing the paradigm will possibly lead to same, so maybe it’s time to shift to a new model for your life. Interviewing people who use one-prescription-fits-all approaches does lead to frustration in approaches to diet and lifestyle, as you have experienced. I, also, am beginning to tune out the so-called experts who don’t have enough background in biology to actually explain in nerdy detail why their particular approach is proven to be best. So, maybe you need to become owner of knowledge, and advanced education may be needed. Or perhaps, the generalist approach needs to be re-thought out. No disrespect, but I don’t really know of anything you can be identified with except interviews. You were much better when you delved into organ function and explained such on your early videos. You may be hitting a man’s mid-life crisis early enough to actually change course. Good luck.
Paul
It’s good to hear from you Sean! I’m excited to follow you along this new journey. I’ve missed you – have to say I developed a small crush on you! LOL
I like your new focus “Always be serving”. I’m a firm believer of what you put out there comes back to you. Good luck with this new chapter of your life. I’m excited and ready to go!
Congratulations on getting your feet on the European continent!! Thanks for being open and for sharing the real deal. Looking forward to what you share as you discover more on growth and living whole/holy/with integrity. Your artist-friend, Elise
I just got off the continent myself for the first time last year. Glad you got time off and used it well. I’m really looking forward to this next chapter and thanks for all the work you have done with Underground Wellness. Your interview with Bob Proctor is one of my favorite interviews ever.
Refreshing and real. Thank you for being you.
Love reading your words.
Welcome back! Sometimes the only way to stop the mental chatter is to use your hands to make something, knit yourself a woollen sweater, make your nieces a wooden cubby house. Making useful stuff is incredibly fulfilling.
JKIR
Just Keeping It Real
Rock on!
I like where you’re going with this…
Welcome back! Thank you for showing us that its OK to pull out, reflect, and change direction. I am looking forward to the refreshed Sean!
Yo8#&u217;ve got it CFM! It’s a powerful thing to have 40 hours worth of work getting completed vs. your typical 8 hour day. Like you said, as long as you’re still making a profit, then the potential is limitless!
Welcome back, my friend — I’ve missed your voice. You are a breath of fresh air in my inbox….
You & I have spoken on this very topic of food restrictions, and I more than understand your frustrations — I’ve spent the better part of a year living with those same frustrations….
My sister Debra & I are sick of diets, and are working on a “Live It!” instead.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I am delighted to be here for your next incarnation, and I can’t wait to see where it leads….
Wishing you love & joy, and much success, in the New Year!! <3
Glad you are back in the game Sean. You are so gifted and it is really cool that you are including us in the “space in between” journey. 2016 will be the best year ever! Many thanks for all you do!
“The Blank Page” – thank you for sharing that concept with us. Also, thank you for sharing your journey…your honesty and sincerity inspires me to reflect upon my own life 🙂
Sean, your podcast has been my trusted companion for years, but I didn’t know until today what a great writer you are, too! You write so beautifully! Thank you for showing up in such an authentic way. So real, and vulnerable, and relatable. You really inspire me! Can’t wait to see the awesomeness you will bring us next in The Sessions!
Sean, I loved the way you were pressuring some of the previous interviewees on their conflicting points. I detected the pressure build up. Happy you have been able to release that and move on. It will be a loss not to have some of these authors challenged! Also, very insightful writing, well composed, lovely to read….as you always are! Good luck on the next steps of your journey, and many thanks for your past trails!
“…without having to read yet another health book that contradicted the last”–Amen.
Love the new podcast. had already started cleaning out health podcasts from my cue so glad i don’t have to get rid of you too
Somebody nerlassciey lend a hand to make seriously posts I would state. That is the first time I frequented your website page and thus far? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this actual publish amazing. Great job!
Sue,How wonderful! You sure do sound like a little girl with her first pony. How lucky he is to have found you, and wonderful of you to have adopted him. You’ll be perfect companions. God Bless you. Hugs
Being in the not knowing is a potent place to be, have the courage to be there as long as you need, reminds me of the Buddhist concept of formlessness… I ran a wellness center for a few years, and I can relate to your burnout, and I really have had just enough of the new age, self help, often super shallow, crap being peddled out there. Give me some substance, some science, something that has stood the test of time…lol
You mentioned you’re not promoting B-school this year, I so get it, I used to send so much stuff to my email list, then I sent less, and less, each email was feeling like a chore, and then I finally just stopped, needed to just totally let go… felt so freeing! I know I will re-surface again, but sometimes you just need a total break, to find your passion again, to just create space in your life.
Best wishes, do what’s best for you Sean, thanks for all you’ve shared with us all!
sean that was fantastically well written …uncertainty cures uncertainty..epic..always loved your health interviews and am sad you will no longer be in that arena, but look forward to the new chapter and definitely some more writing!:)
I would like to thnkx for the efforts you have put in writing this website. I am hoping the same hidgg-rahe site post from you in the upcoming also. Actually your creative writing skills has inspired me to get my own blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a good example of it.
This was such an honest and thoughtful write up about your feelings about being in an uncertain stage of your life. I think more people can relate to a person who bears their soul because quite often there really is more that unites us than divides us – that is why heartfelt songs sell so well .
I hope your future plans take you in a direction that gives real meaning and purpose and pleasure to your life. i have enjoyed several of your interviews (it is a plus that you’are quite good looking) and have benefited from the things i learned. keep travelling on your journey. i hope you will eventually end up where you were meant to be.
There is a time and a season for everything under the sun. Pray, listen and then move! You will get there.
Thank you for your content. Don’t get too bogged down to take care of yourself. Spend some time looking for that mate. I can sympathize as a single gal of 44 years, but the return on investment is great. Someone to support your crazy ideas and tell you to GO FOR IT when you are on the fence.
Some of the best self-investment you can make 🙂
It’s cool to read this post today and think about how far you’ve come since you wrote it! Thanks for being open about the process of transformation, particularly the uncertainty. Encouraging & inspiring!